As effortless or even empowering as being single can look from the outside, plenty of others struggle to embrace it at all. Preferring to be partnered up is deeply human. But what’s different is slipping into a constant loop of back-to-back relationships or situationships simply because being alone (or not having someone to talk to or flirt with) feels intolerable.
This is usually what people mean when they talk about a “serial monogamist” or “serial dater.” While there’s no “right” amount of days, weeks, or months you’re supposed to wait to start dating again after a breakup, giving yourself even a little room to process things on your own is important, Valeriya Bauer, MA, LMFT, a Los Angeles-based psychotherapist, tells SELF. That distraction-free space helps you tune into your wants and needs, rebuild a sense of independence, and actually reflect on what went wrong in your past relationships so you’re not carrying old baggage into the next. Without that pause, however, Bauer says it’s easy to fall into unhealthy patterns or hastily choose partners for the wrong reasons.
Understandably, “serial monogamist” isn’t a label most people are eager to claim—which is why, as Bauer points out, “some people who prefer to be in relationships non-stop may be hesitant to call themselves this due to its gravity.” But being honest with yourself—and why you feel so compelled to constantly swipe, text, or chase—can be the first step toward breaking the cycle and learning how to be fulfilled on your own.
Here are the biggest red flags that you might be a “serial monogamist,” according to three relationship therapists.
1. You date to distract yourself.
With serial dating, meeting new people becomes less about finding The One or even just having fun. Instead, it turns into an unhealthy escape, Bauer says—whether you’re avoiding post-breakup grief, work stress, or friendship drama. If every stressful moment sends you back to the apps, or even to a “failed talking stage,” you’re likely using romance as a buffer, not a genuine choice.
2. You rush in—then get bored just as fast.
At first, you love the excitement of someone new—the butterflies, the tension, the thrill of getting a cute stranger’s entire personality. But as soon as that early rush wears off, or things start getting serious, steady, and predictable, a serial dater often loses interest.
“They tend to move fast because it gives them that high,”Jennifer Teplin, LCSW, founder and clinical director of Manhattan Wellness, tells SELF. The intensity of the initial stages can feel new, fun, and distracting—especially compared to the vulnerability and often-gritty emotional work required in a real relationship. So it’s common for serial monogamists to “come in hot,” Teplin says, almost in a love-bomby way. “They might even be a little intense,” rushing into a connection or making things “exclusive” because they’re eager not to be alone for too long. But because they’re after that early buzz, the spark tends to fizzle quickly (and the cycle of serial dating starts all over again).
3. You’ve never had a moment without texting, chasing, or dating someone.
Not having anyone to message, flirt with, or sleep next to isn’t just lonely for a serial monogamist—it almost feels unbearable. The quiet moments that most people can tolerate become abnormally anxiety-provoking or restless, to the point where finding any person to fill that void becomes a top priority.
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