For a long time, I thought I was doing everything right in dating. After getting out of an eight-year relationship—and then a rebound that emotionally wrecked me in ways I didn’t fully process for at least a couple years—I spent the next few years in a strange in-between.
In theory, I was putting myself out there: going on dates, meeting people, and staying open even when it felt exhausting. But in reality, it felt more like going through the motions, like I was playing a role I had gotten really good at. I had just enough distance to feel in control, but not enough awareness to realize how that distance was shaping my behavior.
But after what felt like an uncountable number of first dates in New York City, I started to notice a pattern: I treated dates like auditions. I would show up polished, engaged, and asking the right questions. If they liked me—texted after, complimented me, and wanted to see me again—I felt this immediate sense of relief, almost like I had passed a test. But that feeling rarely lasted, and more importantly, I almost never stopped to ask myself the most basic question: Did I even like them?
It took me a long time to realize that I wasn’t actually dating for connection—I was dating for validation. And according to therapists, that distinction can be subtle but significant, often showing up in patterns that feel normal on the surface but are actually rooted in the need to feel chosen rather than the desire to truly know someone.
Here are some red flags that indicate you might be seeking companionship for the wrong reasons, according to dating experts.
Signs you’re dating for the ego boost—and not a true connection
1. You think more about having a partner than being with this person.
If your mind tends to jump ahead to what your life would look like in a relationship, how it would feel to have a partner, and how this person fits into that picture, you may be more attached to the idea than the reality. As Moe Ari Brown, LMFT, therapist and Hinge’s in-house Love and Connection Expert explains, genuine interest feels grounded in the person themselves: “You should see them as a whole person, not a flattened version or a fantasy.” When you’re dating for validation, the emotional payoff often comes from imagining being chosen, rather than engaging with who the person sitting across from you actually is.
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