When you get jealous, “your mind tends to fill in the gaps with worst-case scenarios and assumptions that aren’t always grounded in facts,” Quinlan explains—which is why she recommends challenging this narrative with logic. So before assuming the worst of your partner and throwing out accusations, stop and ask yourself: What other evidence do I actually have that they’re still stuck on their ex? Chances are, you’ll have an easier time building a case for how much they care about you—maybe they supported you during a tough career transition or sent a thoughtful message this morning—which can put those doubts to rest, Quinlan says.
Another way to put things into a more rational perspective? Flip the script. Do I follow any old flings on social media, and does that mean anything romantically? (Probably not!) Over time, Reynolds says, a regular fact-checking habit can help remind you that your jealous thoughts aren’t always accurate or practical.
3. Be intentional about prying into their romantic history.
Rehashing old relationships together can be useful—it’s an opportunity to reflect on what you learned from those past experiences and what you want more (or less) of moving forward. That said, knowing every little detail about their wild sex life, say, or dissecting every fight they’ve had probably won’t do you any favors.
Before you start asking nosy questions, Reynolds says it’s worth checking with yourself first: What’s the point of knowing this right now? For instance, will learning how many times a week they hooked up actually improve your bedroom life? Will it help you understand and support your partner better? Or will their response just inspire a new image you’re better off not having in your mind?
Instead, she recommends reframing your curiosity into more open-ended questions that’ll keep the conversation productive and comfortable for everyone involved. So swap “What did your ex do that pissed you off the most???” with something like “Did your last relationship teach you anything about resolving conflicts or handling arguments in general?” (See how that tweak focuses on growth rather than comparisons—and sounds a whole lot better?)
4. Embrace what’s right in front of you.
One of the best ways to keep your partner’s past relationships from overshadowing your happiness, according to both experts, is to shift your focus to the amazing connection you have in the present. “Remember, the past is in the past for a reason,” Quinlan says. “And it’s important to recognize that they’re choosing to be here with you now.”
You can stay grounded in your current situation by practicing gratitude for what (or who) you have today, she says—perhaps by making a list in your notes app of what makes your bond special and referencing it whenever your retroactive jealousy creeps in. Or actively strengthen your connection by creating new memories together: Plan a weekend getaway in a city you’ve both been dying to explore, say, or turn occasional date nights into a weekly tradition. The more you pour into your love life, the less you’ll feel the need to measure it against their past.
5. Talk through your jealous thoughts together.
Opening up about your feelings doesn’t have to turn into a heated confrontation or a dramatic confession about your low self-esteem. It’s more about facing challenges (in this case, retroactive jealousy) as a team, rather than letting it create distance between you.
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