I used to be very scared of the unknown. What happens when we die? Does nothing happen? Is it going to hurt? Now that I’ve been with so many patients as they’ve died, I no longer fear it. I witness patients process their inevitable death and come to peace with it. I watch patients see their deceased loved ones before they die and feel very comforted by their presence. For me, I now know that no matter what happens at the end, I have the option to be comfortable and calm. Knowing what a good death looks like and that I should be able to have it makes the thought of death not scary for me.
What’s a common misconception about death that more people should be aware of?
I think that most people feel like their death is out of their hands and out of their control. Many patients feel like they get a terminal diagnosis and are told what to do and when to do it: Get this surgery, get labs drawn, take this medication, etc. They feel like they have no other choice.
The reality is that patients are allowed to say “okay, enough,” and elect to go home on hospice care. Patients are allowed to prioritize what’s important to them at the end of life. For some people that is treatment, but I often hear that patients were not aware that they could choose hospice sooner than they did.
What do you think more people should know about hospice care?
It isn’t as depressing as it seems. I know, death seems depressing, but the reality is that it is unavoidable. I think that most people think of death as an if instead of a when. Death is going to happen to all of us. Hospice care is attempting to make it better by putting the patient’s comfort as the priority. I think that’s beautiful.
I’m curious to hear your take on what planning and logistical discussions about death we should have with loved ones, but also what we should be asking them about life in general. Have you noticed any patterns after guiding so many families through the process?
Absolutely! Practical questions should include “What does a good death look like to you?” This is different for everyone. Some people absolutely want to be at home, while others would rather be anywhere else. Some people want all of their loved ones there while others want privacy. At some point, you should find out your loved one’s funeral wishes as well—are religious traditions important to them? What do they want for a final resting place: burial or cremation?
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