My best friend and I were on the bus coming home from school in the seventh grade, and we were almost at our stop. For the entire ride, she had been avoiding telling me the name of her new crush, who had been leaving her forlorn and mopey for weeks. I was getting impatient.
“I need to tell you something first,” she said, avoiding my eyes. “I’m bisexual.”
“Okay,” I said slowly, elongating the second vowel. I had never heard that word before. “What does that mean?”
With the confidence that the cooler best friend tends to exude when explaining a scandalous new topic (at least in middle school), she said, “It means that I like boys and I like girls.”
And then I shouted, “Oh, my God, I’m that too!”
Bisexuality is more complicated than that, of course. Like her sister identities, such as pansexuality and omnisexuality, bisexuality implies an attraction to multiple (or all) genders. The simplification of being attracted to men and women (especially wherein these genders are assumed to be cis) is not only incorrect but also harmful. But as a kid without a deep understanding of gender, I was nonetheless struck by my best friend’s definition.
You see, growing up, I was confused. Many queer kids have a similar experience: We’re presented with only one option of what relationships look like—cis man plus cis woman equals true love forever!—and we can sometimes sense early on that something about our internal experience feels different.
In the fifth grade, when a friend of mine sneered that I was gay as an insult, I thought maybe I had landed on a name for what I felt. But I went home and asked my dad what that meant, and it still didn’t fit. I wasn’t straight like I was supposed to be, but damn it, I wasn’t this countercultural “gay” thing either.
I felt stuck. As I saw it at the time, there were girls who were attracted to boys, and there were girls who were attracted to girls, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t simply pick one. I was both—and I thought I was the only one.
Learning the word bisexual on the bus that day a couple of years later was an unforgettably powerful moment of validation. Not only was there a name for what I felt, but I wasn’t alone after all.
Unfortunately, my road to strong, assured bisexual identity was riddled with potholes, as it is for many of us. Over the course of my life, because I internalized so much stigma around bisexuality, I’ve struggled with claiming this identity that at first felt custom-made for me.
I started dating my first love, a woman, when I was 15. It was with her that I had my first sexual experience. I was very comfortable identifying as bisexual then. I had crushes galore, and gender felt irrelevant to my attractions. I also helped start the Gay/Straight Alliance at my high school. Sure, people mistook me for a lesbian and hurled associated slurs at me, but I felt solid in my bisexuality.
When I later started dating a man, though, I felt a significant shift. Suddenly, my peers questioned my queerness. Even my boyfriend at the time told me, point-blank, “No one is bisexual forever. You eventually have to choose.” But instead of questioning our messed-up understanding of sexuality, doubt started creeping into my heart instead: Would I eventually have to choose?
For many years after that, I dated cis men almost exclusively, mostly as a result of convenience. I still identified as bisexual, because I had crushes, went on dates with, and hooked up with people of various genders. But the love interests who tended to stick, who wanted me most, were cis men. I was even engaged to one before I graduated from college! Eventually, this led me in the opposite direction of what you might assume: My sexual boredom and sometimes even disgust with the men I dated led me to believe I was, and always had been, super gay after all.
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