How to Apologize Like You Mean It

Most of us can remember receiving an unsatisfying apology. A friend of mine recently got a text message after a Bumble date stood her up: “Sry,” it read. (“He didn’t even spell out the whole word,” she told me.)

When my kid was in preschool, an email arrived in my inbox. “Sorry your daughter was bitten,” it said. (The sender’s child had done the biting.)

Why is it so hard to apologize? Why do so many of us get it wrong? Saying you’re sorry involves vulnerability, said Lisa Leopold, a researcher who studies apologies.

“We also have to admit our own wrongdoing, our own failings,” she added, “and that requires tremendous humility.”

But it’s worth making the effort, Leopold said. A meta-analysis of 175 studies found that apologies did, indeed, influence forgiveness. Other research suggests that apologies can benefit the giver as well as the receiver by reducing guilt, fostering self-compassion and strengthening relationships.

But not all apologies are equal. For a show of remorse to be truly effective, it should be focused on the other person’s feelings and needs, not your own, said Karina Schumann, an associate professor of social psychology and head of the Conflict Resolution Lab at the University of Pittsburgh who researches the topic.

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