Have You Ever Kept a Secret From Your Wife?

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I was seated upright, brown knuckling the plastic arms of the chair. A black wire had been placed snugly across my chest. Another contraption was attached to my fingertips. My heart thumped so loudly that it nearly drowned out all sound. I felt a bead of sweat roll from my armpit down my side underneath my shirt. “Have you ever kept a secret from your wife?” asked the polygraph examiner. I replied, “Yes, I have.”

From The New York Times, I’m Anna Martin. This is “Modern Love.” Welcome to a new season. Today, a story from Khalid Abdulqaadir. Khalid wrote a “Modern Love” essay that begins with him taking a polygraph test when he was asked a question that completely changed the way he thought about love.

Khalid, ever since I read your essay, I’ve had this vivid image in my head of you taking that polygraph test. And you were asked this big question about whether you’d ever kept a secret from your wife. What did you do when you were asked that question?

(chuckles) Well, I did what I just did now, was I started to think how can I respond to a question like that. And this is the dilemma when you’re doing a polygraph, is you know you have to tell the truth. So that hesitation is what, typically, is an indication that you’re about to say something false.

Like the pause you even just did here —

Yes.

— is some sort of tip.

Absolutely.

But you had kept a secret from your wife. Can you say what it was?

Well, I think I went to the most traumatic experience that I had had in my life that I never really spoke to my wife about, which was my family’s experience after 9/11.

Mm. What was it? Tell me about that.

Well, it’s a long story. But the gist of it is — well, my father he was investigated for an alleged involvement with the actual attacks on 9/11.

Why was he being investigated?

There’s a man by the name of Zacarias Moussaoui. He is known as the 20th hijacker. And he attended the same mosque as my father and I. And so we had a lot of personal contact with Moussaoui, as we did with other members of the mosque. We actually knew him as Shaquille. We didn’t his real name until after 9/11. And we started to have interactions with the FBI. It eventually escalated to the point where my father was actually detained as a material witness to testify against Moussaoui. And then it even escalated further, where then he was being investigated himself for involvement with the attacks.

Wow. And how were you doing amidst all of this? How old were you when this was happening?

So 9/11 happened eight days after my 19th birthday. And once my father was detained, a lot of the attention then came onto me.

So the FBI started questioning you.

Yeah. They were doing a lot more than that.

They would come and pick me up and drive me around, basically explaining to me that they wanted me to wear wires. They wanted me to go meet people. They wanted me to be a confidential informant, is what they wanted.

And to be very clear, confidential informant on your own community is what they’re asking you to do.

Exactly. They wanted me to spy on other Muslims.

Mm. Your father was never formally charged with any terrorism related activities. But how did this kind of pressure continue for you?

My direct contact with the FBI lasted for about six months until finally they broke me. I’m sitting in a black suburban. I’m surrounded by these men and they’re screaming at me. I’m going to wear this wire now. And finally, when I’d agreed to do it, they dropped me off in the middle of the night. And they were going to be back at 6:00 AM to pick me up. That morning, at 2:00 AM, I left town.

Where did you go?

My aunt lives in Kansas City. I just showed up at her doorstep. I stayed with her for about six months until she came home one day. She was, like, pale faced. And she says that the FBI called looking for me. She told them that she didn’t know where I was. And she was really scared because she had just lied to the FBI. I’m sitting in her house. And so I went to the Navy recruiter that day and joined the Navy.

Why?

Really, I thought this was how I was going to actually turn myself in. I was really just thinking about my aunt. And so I didn’t know how to get this over with, like, alert the FBI to where I am. And I knew that the FBI were not like regular cops, so I didn’t think I could go to the police station.

Uh-huh. You’re trying to — you said give yourself up, but you’d done nothing wrong.

Yeah. No, I had done nothing wrong, but it felt like I had done something wrong. But I figured once I gave my information to this recruiter, he would do something. And then some other federal government person would just show up. And then that would be the end of it. That’s actually where I was going with it initially.

Mm-hmm. But it didn’t work.

No. So I expected someone to show up at some point and remove me, but they never came.

So nobody from the FBI ever showed up to take you away. But the scrutiny and suspicion around you continued in other ways?

Yes. I really started to notice that there was something else going on when I joined the Navy, actually, the first time I went to the airport to go to boot camp. And the woman at the ticket counter, after she put my name in to pull my ticket up, she then walked away from the ticket counter and made a phone call. And there were two men who came and questioned me about where I was going, et cetera, like they wanted to see my military orders. They wanted to see all this information. And after I showed them everything, they gave me my ticket and then I went to Navy boot camp.

But that type of experience, and some that were much more extreme, continued to happen anytime I entered the airport. And now I’m speaking kind of in retrospect, because I started to see evidence of this and then I found out later. But they put me on the FBI suspect list. And that would have pinged me everywhere I moved around, whether I was trying to board a plane, or get a job, or anything like that.

So when you’re asked that question by the polygraph examiner — have you ever kept a secret from your wife — all of this comes to mind. Your family history, your interactions with the FBI, the suspect list — you’d kept all of that from her. So I want to know more about your relationship. How old were you when you two met?

I was 23.

And how did you meet?

So I was stationed in Iwakuni, Japan. And I used to get sent to Okinawa. And on one of the weekends, I went to the beach and I saw a group of young ladies on the beach. And there was one individual who stood out to me.

Aww.

And I just needed to approach. I had to say something. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t speak Japanese. And she didn’t speak English at all. So we communicated with what I call, point. You point at this, hey, you want that? No? Oh, you want this? Yes. OK.

(laughing) So you’re kind of having conversations about things only in your immediate vicinity, it sounds like.

Yeah. And then outside of that, texting and emailing was the preferred method because we could use translators. That’s mainly how we communicated.

And at the time you still suspected you were on a watch list?

Yes. When I would fly back from Japan, back to United States, I would get detained in customs every time. Even when she would travel by herself, she would get detained.

But you didn’t tell her anything about why.

No.

Would you make excuses? How would you explain it?

I would tell her that this is how everyone is treated.

[KHALID CHUCKLES]

So as you get closer and closer to your wife — as she moves to the United States, as you get married — did you ever want to tell her about this secret?

I did. I felt like I was doing her a disservice by allowing her to tangle herself up with me and not have a full understanding of what my situation was.

Mm. But what prevented you from telling her the truth?

I thought she would leave.

Had other people in your life left when you told them this secret?

Yes. Yes. By this point, my life was like an open world of solitary confinement.

So you’ve kept this secret from your wife for years. And it comes out during this polygraph test for a job interview. What was the job you were trying to get?

Well, essentially, it’s to join a spy agency.

The job that you’re interviewing for is a job of keeping secrets.

Yes.

Why were you looking to do that job if keeping secrets in your personal life was so painful?

So me acquiring this top secret clearance — it would be the beginning of the process that cleared my family’s name because the federal government would finally have to take me at face value. And so the irony of it is I’m about to enter into an agency that requires secrecy. I’m keeping secrets from my wife. It’s painful, but I need to get into this agency to save my family.

Mm. In your essay, you talk about how, as this polygraph test went on, the examiner could tell that you were holding something else back. Can you read that part?

Yes. “I had done my research before the polygraph and learned that the reason they want to know how we deal with secrets we may be keeping from loved ones is to understand how we would behave with secrets between ourselves and the agency. Could we protect US national security? Would we be susceptible to blackmail or coercion? The examiner asked me, have you ever been part of an organization with the purpose of overthrowing the US government? No, I said. What is it you’re not telling me? he asked. I could have started with my excuses — how losing my mother at age three made me seek the nurturing affection of a woman and how that became a particular kind of weakness, but no. What would be the point of that? I just had to say it.”

You had to tell your other secret.

Yes. The biggest secret was that I had an affair. I had an extramarital affair. Our marriage was not in the best condition. A lot of it had to do with the fact that there was a level of intimacy that I just was not capable of going to.

Because of the secret about your family, it affected how close you were able to get to your wife?

Yes. I also started to realize how inaffectionate I could be at times.

Do you mean cold?

Yeah. I mean ice cold.

Wow.

It was very hard for me to show affection. The small things that matter — holding hands, the kiss in the morning before you go to work, coming up behind her and kissing her neck while she’s chopping chives or something, that kind of stuff — it never came to my mind. So we decided to separate to just take some time and rethink our marriage. And then come back and do better.

But it was not like an open relationship between the two of you at this point, right?

No, not at all. I was — admittedly, I was looking for a reason to end the marriage. I was. I have twins, a boy and a girl. And my wife and my children are going to have to be plagued with the same thing that has been plaguing me.

You didn’t want to end your marriage because you didn’t love her. It sounds like you wanted to end the marriage because you felt like you were putting her through so much pain just by being you.

Yes.

Why did the two of you decide to stay married and to move back in together?

It was just pure human indecisiveness, where it wasn’t anything thought out. It was just me not being able to decide to move forward or not.

Right.

But I also thought about my children as well.

Sure.

So that was a major factor also.

So after you came back and moved back in with your wife, tell me about how you were interacting with each other. Did your dynamic change?

It did. She took our separation very seriously. And so when we came back together, she made a very strong effort to do everything in her power to make us work. And so I would start to try to meet her halfway. But every time I would take any action — it could be a small action — where we wake up and we’re automatically cracking jokes with each other, smiling. And my dad used to tell me when I was a kid that it’s really something when you can wake up smiling. But in the back of my head, I would then think about all the things that I’m not telling her.

And so as much as I wanted to reciprocate the development of this stronger connection, I would realize that I have no reason to be happy.

Ugh.

Yeah.

So you just shut down.

Yeah.

So when you were asked by the polygraph examiner what it was weren’t saying, you admitted that you cheated on your wife.

I did. Yes.

Was that the first time you had ever admitted it out loud?

Yes. The polygraph examiner was the first person who ever knew.

Wow.

And when I let that go, I started to feel a confidence and a power that comes with being able to wield a truth.

So you passed the polygraph test.

So I passed the polygraph because I told the truth.

Right.

But I did not get the clearance. But had I gotten the clearance right then, I would have never received the statement of reasons for denial, which is the SOR document.

And what is that?

The SOR is basically a document that an agency will use where they will list out all of the criteria necessary to obtain a top secret clearance. And then based on your background check and your polygraph examination, they will go through each one of those criteria and they will state the reasons why they believe you’re not suitable to receive a clearance.

Wow. So you get this in the mail?

Yeah. I sat down in the basement, opened it up, and just started flipping through the pages. And I mean, on page two, pretty much, they let you know yay or nay, which at this point it said no. But then it’s going to go into the details about why.

And what did it say? Why were you denied?

The primary reason that was listed on the statement of reasons was the extramarital affair. And based on my experience up to that point, I truly believed that my family’s history actually played a major role in it as well.

But I did have this huge character flaw. And they keyed on that, in my opinion, as a reason for the denial.

Character flaw being the affair that you’d admitted to.

That’s correct.

How did it feel to read that in black and white?

It is a soul splitting experience. It feels like somebody is literally cutting holes in your soul.

It’s one thing to admit in the room. It’s another to have it sort of said back to you, almost like a judgment.

Absolutely. I didn’t care about the job anymore. I didn’t care about — I had to focus on my marriage at this point. I had to tell my wife.

Everything?

Everything.

We’ll be right back.

So, Khalid, how did you go about telling your wife everything?

It took me about a week to figure out how and when, or what, to do. But I orchestrated a moment where my wife and I were alone after dinner. We were just — I went, I retrieved these stacks of papers. I brought them into the living room and I put them in her hands.

And so what does she do?

She starts to turn pages.

What did you do?

I just sat across from her and watched. And I’m kind of looking at what page she’s on. And I kind of know what’s on this page or that page. So I go grab a bottle and I just start pouring shots. She’s not saying anything. I’m not saying anything. She’s traversing all these emotions as she’s reading. And as she does that, I’m just taking another shot every time. Because at this point, I knew that it was going to change my life. And then subsequently, her life, my children’s life. And nothing will ever be the same forever. And so when you’re in the moment of trying to figure out what your forever is going to look like, that’s a very chaotic experience.

Right. When your wife was done reading everything in the folder, what did she do?

Well, she sat there holding a few of the pages for a while. And then the only thing she said was that she needs time. I was ready to go into begness and forgiveness mode. But she just got up, she walked into the bedroom, walked right by me. I think I stayed in the basement for three days after that.

What were those days like for you?

Actually, what it reminded me of — it reminded me a lot of what I went through early on after 9/11 had happened.

Wow.

Where it felt like I had a level of shame on me that is just so heavy that it’s debilitating. But after that, I really did start to feel like whatever happened, we would all be free now.

Did you and your wife find your way back to each other?

We did. She asked me a question suddenly out of the blue. She was on her way out the door to go shopping. And she just asked me a question about dinner.

Was that the first time she’d spoken to you directly?

Yes. It felt good, but it still kind of felt like it was the calm before the storm.

Mmm. Tentative in some way.

Yeah. And then one day I’m actually sitting in the same place that we were sitting in when I gave her my documents.

On the couch.

Yes. And she handed me a letter that she had written in response to the federal government for my denial.

Had you known that she was writing this letter?

No. I’m reading it. And then while I’m reading the letter, she hands me more pages that she had typed up. And I asked her, what’s this? Which is the same thing she asked me.

Yeah.

She said these are her secrets.

Her secrets. And what did you find out?

She told me about a few experiences that she had had with servicemen. And she had actually had an intimate relationship with another serviceman the same year that we were married. It was probably six or seven months before we got married.

What emotions were passing through you?

I was relieved. I almost feel happy.

I felt like a lot of grief I had experienced up to this point, me with these secrets, you really start to feel like you’re the only one who behaves like this. And so that’s where I kind of feel like it’s that I wasn’t the only one. I wasn’t alone. And I also felt happy that she felt comfortable enough to tell me that. I really just put everything down and we embraced each other. And we both immediately broke down. And it was like that freedom because the storm that I thought we were going to have as a result of all of this, it didn’t really happen. It kind of just turned into a warm breeze on a Sunday afternoon. So we got to sit in that and really open up to each other. And that was the most I had been relieved pretty much since before 9/11. I’ve been under constant pressure. And at that moment, I felt like I was actually breathing freely without pressure or anything like holding me back.

How did your relationship change after this moment?

It got turbo charged at that point. What I began to understand as I started to experience love at this point was that it actually does have a lot to do with friendship. And this gave us an opportunity to be friends.

Were you not friends before you shared the truth with each other?

No. I would not call his friends at all. I would say that we were in love, for sure.

OK.

But the love had a different meaning to me. Would I lay down my life for her? Absolutely. Did I hate when she was away? Absolutely. Did I like the sound of her voice? Absolutely. But we were not friends. There was a level of depth that we would not connect on.

But after this moment where you shared the truth with one another, you were able to access that deeper level and become friends.

Oh, yeah. That is when I believe I actually started to experience love for the first time.

How many years has it been since you exchanged these folders?

It’s been five years now.

You said when you were keeping all these secrets from your wife, you told me about how it felt to wake up next to her. You’d wake up wanting to experience joy or to laugh, but then the weight of your secrets would hit you. Tell me how it feels to wake up next to your wife now.

It’s really the opposite of what I was experiencing before where, now, I would have this joyful experience and my mind would be like, wait a minute, wait a minute. And then I would have to tell myself, no, I don’t have to wait anymore. There’s nothing to be sad about. So go forward and be happy and enjoy yourself.

You can just smile like your dad said was so important.

Yes. Yes.

Khalid, thank you so much for sharing your story with me today.

Very happy to do so. Thank you.

To hear Khalid’s full Modern Love essay, check our feed later this week.

If you have a story that you want to share with us, we’d love to hear it. We’re always looking for good stories and new perspectives for the “Modern Love” column no matter where you come from or who you are. To find out how to submit your own story, go to nytimes.com/modernlovesubmission.

This is our first episode of the season. We’ll have brand new stories on the “Modern Love” podcast feed every Wednesday. “Modern Love” is produced by Julia Botero, Christina Djossa, Hans Buetow and Crystal Duhaime. It’s edited by our executive producer, Jen Poyant, with help from Larissa Anderson.

This episode was mixed by Corey Schroeppel. Our show was recorded by Maddy Masiello. Special thanks to Naomi Sharp and Susan Lee for fact checking. The Modern Love theme music is by Dan Powell. Original music by Carole Sabouraud, Marion Lozano and Dan Powell. Digital production by Mahima Chablani and Nell Gallogly. The “Modern Love” column is edited by Daniel Jones. Miya Lee is the editor of “Modern Love” projects. I’m Anna Martin. Thanks for listening.