Toxic Relationship Habits You Should Avoid

Once, when my husband, Tom, and I were battling about something, I got so worked up that I blurted, like an angry toddler: “You bad man!”

Conflict is “inevitable and normal in intimate relationships,” said Andrew Christensen, a distinguished research professor at the U.C.L.A. department of psychology. But the way that couples manage it is a key to a healthy bond, he added.

There’s a productive way to deal with conflict — attacking the problem rather than each other, for example — and an unhelpful way that fails to resolve the fight or makes it worse.

Name-calling, as I did, falls under the second category. (Fortunately, Tom laughed, which made me — grudgingly — laugh, too.)

Other unproductive habits? Criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling — often referred to as the “four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse.”

But there are additional red flags that can arise when partners fight. I asked experts to share some, along with advice for what to do instead.

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