“It’s right in my line of sight,” said Mr. Salser-Smith, 54. “Always. It’s just this thing sitting there, reminding me I’m fat.”
While his husband uses it regularly, Mr. Salser-Smith has used the machine once. The marriage was already strained by constant togetherness, he said, and now his self-consciousness about his weight gain — and the perceived pressure to work out — has compounded the tension.
“He encourages me to use it, but it feels passive-aggressive,” he said. “I’ll say ‘I’m having back issues,’ and he’ll say, ‘You should try the rowing machine, that might help.’”
In defiance, Mr. Salser-Smith has started using it for a different purpose. “It’s this unwanted third party in our bedroom,” he said. “I’ve found myself hanging clothes on it.”
What can you do if exercise is causing tension in your relationship?
It’s imperative to communicate to your partner how you’re feeling, said Jaime Bronstein, a Los Angeles-based relationship therapist and coach.
“Use ‘I’ statements — not ‘you don’t care about me,’ but ‘I’m feeling a little off about something,’ Ms. Bronstein said. “Take a positive spin, like ‘I’d love to spend more time with you,’ so you’re giving them an actionable way to fix it.” Come to the conversation with a pandemic-safe activity you can do together to reconnect, Ms. Bronstein said; research shows that a new experience together can reignite feelings of passion.
If you think your partner is exercising to please you, rather than themselves, assure them that you respect their desire to look their best, but you love them no matter what, Ms. Bronstein said. Try something like, “It means more to me that our time together is the priority, versus your time working out,” she said.
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